Envy isn’t Evil: How to Use Your Social Emotions for Good

Lately, I’ve been envious.

I’ve envied my husband for the hour-long workout he gets at lunch time.

I’ve envied bloggers who attended BlogHer in San Diego, California, and psychologists who attended the American Psychological Association conference in Washington, D.C. last week.

I’ve even envied my sick son who spent the better part of the last two days resting on the sofa while I waited on him hand-and-foot.

Why would I admit all this? It does make me sound like a jerk, after all.

I’m coming clean because these feelings have caused me to think about the upside of envy, and I want to share that with you.

Envy, like other negative emotions, is a signal that something’s amiss. It forces us to tune in to what’s going on around us. It also enables self-discovery, if you face up to your feelings and dig into what’s causing them. Here are some observations.

Lesson #1 Envy reveals our values and priorities

I’ve envied other bloggers who went to BlogHer and psychologists who attended APA because I treasure time for work and because I long for a connection to colleagues. Writing is a solitary endeavor, and — no matter how often I interact with my peers online — I miss the social aspects of the real-world workplace.

Lesson #2 Envy shows us what choices we’re making

When I admitted to my husband that I was jealous of his lunch-hour workouts, I was forced to confront the facts. I, too, could work out at lunch if I’d developed a strategy to keep the kids occupied. I’m missing my workout time because I haven’t prioritized it, and I haven’t made the arrangements necessary to make it happen. It’s that simple. The reason I don’t have what I want is that I haven’t made it a reality.

Lesson #3 Envy motivates us to obtain valued goals

Since I accepted responsibility for my own situation, I’ve cleaned up my workout area and purchased a baby corral at the local thrift shop so my toddler can’t get hurt on the treadmill. (Cost: $10 and 2 hours time) Now, I’ve got no one to blame but myself when I don’t get enough exercise.

Lesson #4 When we change our behavior, envy gives way to determination

I may or may not attend BlogHer or APA next year, it’s simply to far ahead to know what will happen. But I feel better knowing that I value face-to-face time with colleagues and I’ve committed to getting more of it. Instead of passing up the opportunity to attend an upcoming event at the Air Force Academy (where I served on the faculty for 6 years), I booked a ticket with frequent flier miles, rented a car and arranged for accommodations. My husband is taking two days off from work to facilitate this trip, and I’m especially grateful he’ll do that for me.

After four days away, I may find myself envious of all the quality time he spent with our kids while I traveled. Who knows?

Now it’s your turn: Who do you envy and why? More importantly, what are you going to do about it?

Image credit: ENVY by Beckyabell