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What’s Wrong with Attachment Parenting? Maybe nothing. | Heidi Smith Luedtke
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What’s Wrong with Attachment Parenting? Maybe nothing.

rsz_detachment_parenting_cover_1562x2500As the author of Detachment Parenting, I’m often asked “What’s wrong with attachment parenting?” because people assume detachment parenting must be the opposite of attachment parenting.

But it’s not. At least not as I use the term Detachment Parenting.

Actually, the techniques I describe for keeping your cool when kids melt down could be especially helpful to attachment parenting folks, who may put less physical and emotional distance between themselves and their children.

To give you a deeper understanding of my terminology, I thought I’d share my responses to some questions about the differences between attachment parenting and detachment parenting from a recent interview with a writer from the London Times. I hope they’ll help you understand where I fit in the parenting politic.

— What is it about “attachment parenting” that parents find alienating? Why is it time for a change?

Parents have been told that they must respond immediately and consistently to kids’ needs to ensure they develop strong, secure attachments to their parents. This approach has become synonymous with a range of parenting techniques, including demand-feeding, baby-wearing, and co-sleeping. Whether these techniques are actually synonymous with attachment parenting is a completely different question, and I am not an attachment parenting expert. But I think it is possible to act on the keys ideas in attachment parenting without enacting every one of these techniques.    

As a psychologist, I recognize the importance of secure attachment bonds. There are mountains of research that show a secure attachment style is important for psychological well-being. Furthermore, I have never met a parent who would say they want their child to be anxiously or insecurely attached, regardless of whether they’re on board with the “attachment parenting” movement.

I am not personally opposed to breastfeeding, demand-feeding, baby-wearing, co-sleeping etc. And I’ve incorporated some components of all of them in my own parenting repertoire. But, to me, this modern discussion of parenting is missing a crucial component: No one is talking about the physical and emotional toll this takes on parents and the trickle-down effect of parents’ overwhelm on their children. The never-ending demands of modern parenting leave many parents with the strong sense that they cannot ever do enough for their children. They are exhausted and short-tempered because they have little time or space for themselves, and they don’t know how to dial down these bad feelings so they can keep calm and “mom on.” In trying to give kids their best they sometimes wind up giving them their worst.

I certainly can’t speak for all parents, but I think some find the constant demands of techniques associated with attachment parenting overwhelming. Parents don’t see how they can take good care of their children and take care of themselves at the same time. For some parents, attachment parenting feels unbalanced and unsustainable.

— What is detrimental about attachment parenting for (a) the child and (b) the parent? How is detachment parenting different? What are the main hallmarks of a “detached parent”?

I wouldn’t say attachment parenting is (by definition) detrimental for the child or the parent. It may be a good fit for some parents, children, and families.

Detachment Parenting (as I use the term), is not the opposite of attachment parenting. Parents who practice the techniques most-often associated with attachment parenting would benefit from adding these skills to their parenting toolkit. In fact, they might find these strategies especially useful because they put so little distance between themselves and their children (both physically and psychologically). That closeness makes emotional contagion all the more likely.

Detachment Parenting is about having the skills to step back from an intense emotional situation (such as a temper tantrum or argument) and regroup. It is about intentionally talking and acting in ways that help children develop healthy coping skills (for instance, labeling feelings, talking through dilemmas, being mindful and grateful). Detachment Parenting shows parents how to manage their own feelings and teach coping skills, rather than rushing in to fix kids’ problems for them. It is not about avoiding bad feelings. They are inevitable.

Attachment parenting focuses on what parents do for children in order to build a sense of security. Detachment parenting focuses on what parents can do for themselves and their children to help everyone develop emotion-management skills, including boundary setting, positive thinking, help and support seeking, self-compassion and forgiveness. These skills help parents preserve strong bonds despite the inevitable ups and downs of family life.

Want more? To read the resulting article look here. Aside from the misleading title, I think it offers an interesting view of the complicated parenting politics today.

 


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