How to Tend to Your Own Emotions

In the wake of last week’s tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, I feel a need to shift gears. My planned posts on gift-related rivalry and holiday family dynamics seem unimportant. Even disrespectful.

It’s simply not possible to act as if nothing has happened. Raw sadness and anxiety bubble right below the surface. I’m reminded that life is precious and fragile, and that violence can be senseless and unpredictable. I feel unsettled when I’m not with my kids – who knows what might happen on any given day?

I’m sure my kids have noticed that my mood is not so jolly even though I’m still going through all the usual motions. (I baked cookies for the kindergarten winter party yesterday…but it wasn’t as much fun as it might have been.)

Emotions seep into the air around us and settle on other people, including little ones. Families across the nation are weighed down by a collective sense of sadness and disbelief this week. If you, too, feel overwhelmed by recent events, it’s important to tend to your feelings. Taking care of your own emotional health allows you to give kids your very best guidance in the worst situations imaginable.

Here are some ways to do it:

1) Acknowledge and label your feelings. You may be angry, sad, or anxious about what has happened and fearful it could happen again. Tune in to your emotions. Find words to describe them specifically. Write your emotion words in a journal or discuss them with a friend. Labeling feelings helps you make the shift from the emotional part of the brain to the more rational part of the brain, so you can step back mentally and figure out how to move forward.

2) Lean on other adults. You may want to hold your children especially close right now – I know I do. It’s fine to spend more family time together and to give (and get) more hugs. But make sure you don’t turn kids into mini-counselors by over-sharing your emotions with them. Turn to other parents, teachers or adult family members for emotional support. It really does take a village.

3) Practice gratitude. As you feel the weight of others’ loss, take time to count your own blessings. Give thanks for your health, your children, your spouse, your house. Savor a cup of hot tea and go for a walk outside. Let holiday lights remind you there is hope in the darkest times. Including this one.

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There are lots of helpful articles available on how to talk to your kids about tragedy. I recommend these resources for parents and teachers:

• Helping Children Cope in the Aftermath of a Shooting from the American Psychological Association
• “A National Tragedy: Helping Children Cope,” from the National Association of School Psychologists
• Talking to Children About Violence, National Association of School Psychologists
• Listen, Protect and Connect: Psychological First Aid for Teachers and Schools, www.ready.gov

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