Blending Work and Life? Set Limits

Meaningful work makes for a satisfying more life. Today, more and more people are blending their work lives and their personal lives. They’re working from home. They’re working from the sidelines at kids’ soccer practice. The internet allows many professionals to work whenever and wherever they may be.

How liberating this can be.

And how confining. The freedom to work when and where we want must be weighed against the burden of separating work from life. The instantaneous, electronic workplace can make it nearly impossible to tune out work and be wholly present for life. And that takes a toll on us, physically, mentally and emotionally.

It also affects our relationships. Kids notice when we take them to the park to play, but spend our time talking on the cell phone to a colleague. Spouses feel less-than special when their partner spends date night checking the Blackberry. Everyone wants to be the center of attention, even if they get only minutes in the spotlight.

We are shackled by our own freedom. Because we can read email anytime, anywhere, we become hyper-vigilant. We no longer trust that someone will call us if they truly need immediate attention. Often, they email instead. If we’re not checking, we might miss something.

And there’s the rub.

When we’re checking, we’re missing what’s right in front of us. We’re missing silly comments the kids make over dinner. We’re missing the curve of a smile, the nuance of a glance. We don’t see the game-winning touchdown pass.

We can’t savor our surroundings when our attention is divided.

Although you *can* work wherever you want, it’s probably best to make some locations off-limits. Otherwise, you’ll find all the rooms of your house become triggers for automatic thoughts about work-related tasks. Mental contents are associated in memory with locations, that’s why the method of loci is such a powerful mnemonic strategy.

To get the most out of flexible work, you need to set limits on when and where you’ll work. Those can be location-driven limits, like committing to leave your cell phone in the car for your daughter’s 45-minute soccer game, or agreeing to a “no work in the bedroom” rule. They can be time- or event-oriented, like committing to no cell phone use at the dinner table or no paperwork on Sundays.

Mental limits may be more difficult to enforce. Studies done by Dan Wegner and colleagues show people struggle to suppress unwanted thoughts. In the classic experiment, participants were asked not to think about a white bear. Of course, the harder they tried not to think about the white bear, the more intrusive their unwanted thoughts became.

When we tell ourselves “don’t think about work,” we set into motion a subconscious monitoring process that scans our mental contents for evidence of the unwanted thoughts. This is ironic mental control. The scanning process tunes us into the very thoughts we want to avoid and makes them even more likely.

If you want to shift your mental focus away from work and onto your kids or your spouse, it’s best to instruct yourself with positive statements, like “Think about what she is saying,” instead of negative statements like “Don’t think about the meeting.”

And — if all else fails — get out of the house. Leave electronic reminders at home. Your work world won’t fall off of its axis if you take a hike. I promise.