Happiness 101: Know Thyself

People search for happiness in many ways. They buy bigger houses, take vacations and get botox injections. Some leave their lovers and try to find themselves. Elizabeth Gilbert gorged herself in Italy, meditated in India, and topped off her trip with a sexy fling in Indonesia. If you’ve read her memoir, Eat, Pray, Love, you know – in the end – she was no happier than when she started. More experienced, definitely. Wiser, maybe. But not really happier.

Happiness is the holy grail, it seems. There’s no shortage of books or blogs aimed at improved well-being. Everyday heroes, religious scholars, science giants and purveyors of pop-psychology all understand that happiness is in high-demand, and they’re dishing up get-happy advice in a rainbow of flavors.

Having studied personality and well-being for more than 20 years, I’m here to tell you this: happy is a matter of disposition, not a matter of position or possession. No amount of money, not fame or fashion, not education or professional success will give you the rosy, feel-good glow of happiness.

In this series, “Happiness 101,” I’m going to teach you how to engineer your own happiness. We’ll begin at the beginning.

Lesson 1: Know yourself.

Studies show your level of happiness is relatively stable over time. Some psychologists call this your emotional set point. Imagine it like the settings on a household thermostat. Your house may be consistently warmer than mine, but the thermostat ensures my temperature doesn’t get too far off my set point, and yours doesn’t get too far off of your set point.

You’ll be happier – briefly – after getting a raise or achieving a goal, then your mood will return to normal. You’ll be sad – briefly – after losing a competition or getting a speeding ticket, then your mood will return to normal. You get the idea.

Even extreme events like winning the lottery, going to jail, or becoming a paraplegic affect your emotional outlook only temporarily. People return to their normal level of happiness — or unhappiness — relatively quickly.

Oh, and by “normal,” I mean what’s normal for you.

I’m not telling you this to depress you. I’m telling you this because you can’t engineer something you don’t understand.

Get a quick indication of your level of happiness using Sonja Lyubomirsky’s Subjective Happiness Scale. Then, reflect. Keep a journal or share your thoughts in the comments if you’d like.

Are you mostly happy or sad? Anxious or angry? This is the quality of your experience.

Is your emotional life bland or spicy? Subdued or intense? This is the intensity of your experience.

Do you compare your emotional life with that of your friends? If so, how does you set point stack up? This is your assessment of your experience.

As you get to know yourself, keep this in mind: Low-intensity happy feelings, including contentment and satisfaction, aren’t less good – or less desirable – than high-intensity happy feelings like joy and euphoria. And unhappy feelings aren’t bad either. Dissatisfaction can motivate us to pursue goals and make changes we otherwise wouldn’t attempt.

For now, don’t judge your experience, just acknowledge it. You have to start where you are.