My Day Was Worse! One-Upmanship in Marriage

By nature, I’m a fairly competitive person. Not because I need to be better than everyone else, but because I value mastery and achievement. It feels good to do well. Not just to get the job done; to do it with excellence and finesse.

Sometimes that achievement-oriented thinking serves me very well. I frequently set goals in relation to previous performance. I may not achieve a personal best, but I want at least a personal “better than last month,” thank you very much.

Sometimes I compete with my friends or my spouse in order to push myself past what I think are my limits. He proposed to me at mile 15 of the Ogden Spring Run-Off marathon (I was kicking his butt by then!). Healthy competition can make life more fun, and it can motivate persistence when the going gets tough.

But sometimes, competition undermines connectedness. It alienates others and prevents us from getting the social support we need to achieve more and feel fulfilled.

One example is a game I’ll call “whose day was worse?”

Your husband walks in with a scowl on his face. He checks his Blackberry to see what’s come in since he left the office. He harrumphs.

Putting your best foot forward, you ask “How was your day?” knowing the news won’t be good.

“The boss doesn’t get it,” he says.

“I’ve been in meetings all day,” he continues.

“The sales numbers look lousy, just like I told them they would. No one listens.” And then,

“The only break I got was my lunch time at the gym.”

((Insert ominous flash of lightning here))

Instantly, your desire to be compassionate and encouraging is overshadowed by feelings of resentment.

“I didn’t get to go to the gym,” you say, in a snotty tone.

“The babysitter didn’t show up.”

“She didn’t even call. She just blew me off.”

“The baby threw up on the sofa.”

“And the bank teller took 55 minutes to get my deposit right.”

“Dinner got burned while I was cleaning up dog poop in the yard.”

This kind of one-upmanship is the behavioral consequence of what psychologists call “social comparison.” Every day, in every way, we can compare ourselves to others. We can compare upward (against more fortunate others) or downward (against less-fortunate others).

Upward social comparison that takes place in the “whose day was worse?” interaction reveals (and magnifies) our resentment. It also puts our partner at arms’ length. So much for loving connection. As Psychology Today blogger Michael Formica points out in his post on cooperation, “playing “one-up” or “one-down” in our partnerships derails the very thing that is supposed to be feeding and supporting us. Making an agreement to cooperate with our partner, rather than compromise or compete, can lead us to a whole new level of connection and communication.”

Next time you get the urge to play “whose day was worse” — don’t. Listen to your partner’s problems first. Save your own gripes for later. Once his feelings are out of the way, he’ll probably ask about yours. By then, you may have moved on anyway. That’s a win-win in my book.