Getting your Child to Sleep through the Night (or, “Psychologist, Change Thyself”)

Perhaps you’ve heard the classic joke: “How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?”

Answer: “Only one, but the light bulb has to really *want* to change.

Today I’m checking in with some recent “light bulb moments.” You know, the a-ha moments when something you should have known all along hits you with complete clarity. Those are light-bulb moments.

Recently, I decided to address my youngest child’s poor sleep pattern head-on. She’d previously been a very good sleeper. And then she wasn’t. At all.

At 14 months old, she was waking 4-5 times in the night, nursing for 5 minutes, then going back to bed. The upshot: I never got more than 2 hours sleep at a stretch. That’s brutal. I was too tired to break the pattern. I’d do anything to get her back to sleep.

All jokes aside, the a-ha moment came when I admitted that she’s not the light bulb (meaning the one who needs to change) in this situation. I am.

I know it’s tempting to see others’ problem behavior as problems with *them.* And I might have concluded my daughter was the problem. Parents do this all the time. “She’s a really poor sleeper,” they say. “Her brother was much better.”

But psychologists know that behavior problems are frequently caused by environmental conditions and maintained by reinforcement. My daughter started sleeping poorly when I changed her environment. While traveling cross-country, I changed her crib, her sleep schedule, her room. Then, to keep the peace, I responded to every whine and whimper. Do that for two weeks, and voila! The baby “needs” me to soothe her to sleep.

I was thrilled when my friend Malia Jacobson offered me an early read of her new e-book, Ready, Set, Sleep. And I’m happy to report that within a week, we were back on a reasonable sleep schedule. And the change was much less painful than I anticipated.

Here’s what I took away from Malia’s book:

1) Smart change requires smart assessment. Write down what’s happening so you can understand how many hours total your child is sleeping, and when. Use the sleep journal in Ready, Set, Sleep or keep track on your own. You may be surprised what you learn. In 4 days, my daughter’s sleep pattern was crystal clear. And I knew what to expect.

2) Keep a consistent bed time routine. To be fair, I knew this was important before I read the book. But I hadn’t tuned in to exactly how inconsistent our routine had become. It’s much easier to be consistent when you have only one child to deal with. Baby number two was getting a whole lot of bedtime bedlam, and I hadn’t noticed. Now, she’s going to bed before her brother, and she gets her own wind-down routine. Complete with bath time and books.

3) Question your beliefs about sleep. If you’ve always subscribed to the old adage, “Never wake a sleeping baby,” it’s hard to change baby’s sleep pattern. Letting my daughter sleep in until 8:30 a.m., then take two (or more) daytime naps was making her nearly nocturnal. Now, she’s up at 7 and eats breakfast by 7:30. By noon, she can’t wait to nap. By 7 p.m., she’s ready for bed.

4) Do the minimum. It’s easy to get into a pattern of “doing what works,” especially when you’re blind tired. But parents’ goal should be to do as little as required to help your child soothe himself back to sleep. Psychologists and educators call this scaffolding behavior. Scaffolding means offering support that allows your child to accomplish the task (in this case, going back to sleep) on their own. With as little help as possible. Kids (or adults) don’t learn to be independent when others do everything on their behalf.

If you’ve got a not-so-stellar sleeper at your house, I highly recommend Ready, Set, Sleep! With 50 short sections and loads of practical advice, Malia offers information you can use starting tonight to tune up your behavior, tweak the environment, and help your child get the rest they require.  It’s not enough to want change. You’ve got to do something different.

Image credit: BULB ON RED © Pavel Kapish | Dreamstime.com