Listen Up: Be Aware of these Listening Errors

It is often said that we have two ears and one mouth because we are supposed to listen twice as much as we talk. But effective listening requires us to use more than just our ears.

Listening takes place in the brain.

First, we must pay attention what we hear, screening out background noise and other distractions.

Next, we interpret the message in the context of our expectations, past experiences, knowledge, and features of the current situation. In doing so, we detect inconsistencies between what we “know” and what the speaker is saying and we predict what the speaker will say next.

At the same time, we notice cues in the speaker’s tone, speed, and phrasing that reveal their goals: are they presenting facts, seeking support, giving feedback, voicing concerns, or asking a question?

Because listening is an active process, it requires significant mental and emotional resources. When resources are scarce, we take shortcuts. And that causes problems. See if you recognize these listening errors in your own experience.

#1 Thinking you already know what the speaker is going to say. For example: You talk with your boss on the phone about a project. She explains how she’d like the current draft to be modified, and you nod knowingly while taking notes on the back of an envelope. Although she’s new to the company, you read last year’s project report, so you feel like you’re on top of it.

• What content do you anticipate? How will that influence your ability to listen?

• Will your expectations lead you to interrupt or “shut her down” before she has a chance to explain? Will you grow impatient? Are you focused on what you’re thinking or on what she is saying? Are you already planning what you will do next?

When we think we know what’s coming or believe a speaker’s comments will provide little new information, we tend to shift our attention. We spend our mental energy scanning for cues that the speaker is finished and preparing our response, and miss the nitty gritty of what’s being said.

How to handle it: Ask the speaker to wait a second so you can tune in. Say, “Just a second, let me grab a pen,” or “Let me close my door.” Consciously direct yourself to hear what the speaker wants you to hear. Ask yourself “what does she want me to know?” Then say, “Go ahead.”

#2 Assuming you understand the speaker’s goal(s).

You correct your son for not picking up his plate after he finished eating. Now the baby grabbed it and spilled macaroni and cheese all over your rug and herself. It’s happened before, and you are annoyed.

• Do you assume you know why your son is explaining his behavior instead of apologizing?

• What motives do you suspect? How will that influence your ability to listen?

• Will your assumptions lead to you form counter-arguments or assemble evidence as he speaks? Or do you tell him you don’t want to hear excuses and walk away from the conversation altogether?