Disappointed? Feel Your Way Forward

I like to focus on the positive whenever possible: Smiling activates good thoughts and feelings and sends welcoming signals to people around us.

But constantly telling yourself to suck it up and act happy isn’t healthy. You (and I) have every right to feel let down, hurt, frustrated and angry sometimes. And it’s important that we let ourselves feel our feelings.

Negative emotions are natural reactions to our experiences. They direct our attention to problems we should address. It wouldn’t seem wise to ignore your car’s check engine light for thousands of miles, would it? Bad feelings are part of a similar warning system.

People who avoid bad feelings may soothe themselves in self-destructive ways. They may overeat, use drugs, or spend too much money in an attempt to feel better. In the short term, these activities give a mood boost. In the long term, they create more problems than they solve.

Negative feelings can be useful – if they help you figure out what’s really bothering you. Approach the situation with curious (and compassionate) detachment.

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If you are upset about your weight, ask yourself, “Why?” What does it signify to you? Maybe you’re upset because you feel like other people are put off by the pounds, maybe you’re scared about your increased risk of diabetes and heart disease. Exploring your feelings from a distance can motivate you to make needed changes.

Maybe you are upset because your spouse forgot your birthday. Again, “Why?” Ask, “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” You may decide your reaction is really an overreaction. Or you may conclude that your concern is much bigger than the gift you didn’t get. You may interpret your spouse’s forgetfulness as a lack of attention or affection. Use your bad feelings as clues to discover what really matters to you.

Feeling your feelings and thinking through their underlying causes can be productive. But limit the time you spend reliving disappointments, casting blame, and licking your wounds. You don’t want to add fuel to the fire or wallow in self-pity. You don’t want to get stuck in an unhappy rut. Set a time limit on your blue mood. When time is up, move on.