Why We Should Tell Kids Learning is Difficult

Every parent wants to boost their child’s sense of optimism and self-confidence. But statements like “You’re so smart!” or “These problems are easy” might inadvertently undermine kids’ academic achievement. That’s because these phrases send the message that ability is fixed (you either have it or you don’t) and success should be effortless.

A recent study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General found students who were explicitly told “learning is hard and failure is common” performed better on academic tasks. They weren’t afraid of failure and they didn’t give up problems were especially challenging. In fact they performed better on hard problems than kids who had just completed a set of easy problems. It seems prior success didn’t spur kids to work harder when the problems became more difficult.

Kids who are told learning is hard don’t interpret failure to mean that they don’t have what it takes to do well. Instead, they use what they learn from failed attempts to motivate persistence and redirect their efforts.

If you want to build gritty determination and a can-do attitude in your child, don’t tell him he’s smart. Tell him “learning is difficult and failure is common, but practice will help.”

While you’re at it, rethink your own self-limiting beliefs. Maybe you think “I’m just not good at drawing” or “I’m not built to be a runner.” Learning new skills is hard and failure is common, but practice will help. Model the can-do approach you want to instill in your kids. Let them see you struggle, make mistakes, put on your game face and try again. Lily Tomlin said, “The road to success is always under construction.” That sounds about right to me.