Break Out of the Reminder Rut

In my last post, I offered tips for helping your child tune in to what you’re saying. But I know that as parents, we often say “My kids don’t listen” when what we mean is “My kids don’t do what I asked them to do.”

Repeating the same requests can be really frustrating for everyone. A fly on the wall at my house might hear this:

Me: “Please put on your socks and shoes, we have to go.”

Me (10 minutes later): “Did you put on your socks and shoes?”

(Usually no reply, but if there is a reply, it’s “Not yet” or a heavy sigh of annoyance.)

Me (5 minutes later): “Hey – Did you hear me? Socks and shoes.”

Kids (Muttering, whining or stomping their feet): “I don’t want to! I am so mad at you!”

And finally, Me: “I’ve told you four times now. PUT ON YOUR SOCKS AND SHOES. We’re late!” (I sometimes say this while I am putting their shoes on for them!)

If you repeat yourself a lot, here are some ways to break out of the reminder rut. You’ll all be happier when you stop nagging.

1) Tell the child what you need and when. For instance, “I need you to put on your shoes. We’re leaving in 15 minutes.”

2) Ask your child to repeat what you said. Say, “I need to make sure you got it: What did I ask you to do?” You may find out he wasn’t really listening or didn’t understand your request. Check for comprehension rather than making assumptions.

3) Reinforce your message. Say “Good. Since you know you need to put on your socks and shoes now, I won’t have to remind you.”

4) Let there be consequences. If the socks and shoes aren’t on in time, head for the door anyway. Let your child fumble toward the car barefoot and put on his shoes while you drive or make him stay home with dad and miss out on whatever fun you had planned. Kids don’t learn to take responsibility if we never let them mess up.

If this doesn’t do the trick, share your frustrations with your child. Choose a time when no one is under any pressure and say “Remember when I was asking you to put on your shoes and socks and you didn’t do it? You made us late for school and work. It is important to me to be on time. If you put on your shoes right away I won’t have to say it again, and both of us will be happier.”

One thing is for sure: Repeated reminders let kids (or spouses) know they can ignore our initial requests. Let real life consequences encourage compliance instead.

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