4 Great Books for 4th of July — Detachment Parenting

Although I didn’t write Detachment Parenting specifically for military moms and dads, I’m sure my experience as a sometimes solo-parent was a big reason I wrote the book to begin with. Let’s face it: parenting young children is physically and emotionally demanding. Trying to keep it all together while your partner is half way around the world – for a YEAR or more – is exhausting!

The tips in Detachment Parenting can help military families stay sane when uncertainty, busyness and long separations put stress on parents and kids alike. Today I’d like to highlight three tips I think every military family can use to reduce friction and increase good feelings

Detachment Parenting Tip #21: Follow Family Rules

When mom and dad aren’t on the same page regarding the rules, kids get confused. And they’re likely to test the limits just to see what will happen.

Avoid having two different sets of unwritten rules by creating a written list of rules together. Hold a family meeting to discuss ideas and include kids in the process if they’re old enough to participate. They’re more likely to internalize the rules if they help to create them from the get go.

Post the rules prominently on the wall, just like a classroom teacher would do. Focus on three to five specific rules that apply to everyone – including the adults. Phrase them in positive terms so you emphasize what you want instead of highlighting what you don’t want.

Written rules improve your ability to keep a level head when kids misbehave, because the rules are external and impersonal. They also minimize strain on your marriage. Rules can also prevent lots of misbehavior before it happens, because kids know what parents expect.

Take the rules with you when you move. Consistency is comforting.

Detachment Parenting Tip #12: Ask Questions

Parents sometimes make assumptions about what’s bothering a child and rush in with advice or solutions without getting more information. You may interpret a child’s sullen after-school mood as a sign he’s had trouble with kids at school. Or maybe you assume he feels overwhelmed academically. Either (or both) could be true, but you’re not doing your child any favors by rushing to the rescue. Kids need to learn to think through their own bad feelings and find a way forward on their own.

One way to help your child do this is to act like a consultant. That means asking questions instead of making statements 

The best questions are neutral and child-focused. They can be used to guide your child through the coping process without doing the work for him. Here’s a quick question cheat-sheet you can adapt to almost any situation.

· What happened?

· Is there more?

· What could you do to fix things?

· Do you need any help from me?

· How did that work out?

The question method provides structure to your conversation with your child teaches him how to coach himself through challenging situations. He will find he can ask himself the same series of questions you would ask, to guide his own thinking and behavior. Self-coaching is powerful tool for development in childhood and throughout life. You can be your child’s biggest fan when he’s solving life’s problems for himself.

Detachment Parenting Tip #25: Practice Gratitude 

In military life, there are a lot of ups and downs. And when life seems to deal out more than your fair share of down days, it’s really hard to remember the ups. 

As often as possible, write down good things so you will remember them. Include simple pleasures like the sound of your toddler splashing in the bathtub and the smell of fresh-baked banana bread. Jot down special treats, such as taking a day off from work or winning a prize or a contest. Include good things that are out of sight but close to your heart, such as your grandma in Florida and your best childhood friend’s new baby. Keep account in a journal or fill a blessings box grateful statements scribbled on slips of paper. How you do it doesn’t matter. Just do it.

Research shows keeping a gratitude journal can actually reset your emotional thermostat. There’s an immediate mood lift when you count your blessings, and the lift lasts for months and months. The daily practice of gratitude teaches you to look for what is right, rather than what is wrong. And it gives you a storehouse of positive memories that don’t take up any of your precious household goods weight allowance. 

Teach kids to think positive by playing the “3 Good Things” game regularly. Take turns sharing three things you’re thankful for and bask in each others’ blessings. Let your kids see you being grateful and they will learn to be grateful themselves

 Now it’s your turn.

To enter the 4 Great Military Spouse Books for 4^th of July giveaway, share your best tip for keeping your cool when the kids are pushing your buttons. What works for you?

Please post only one comment per day and come back tomorrow to enter again! If you didn’t enter on Day 1 (1001 Things to Love About Military Life) or Day 2 (Countdown ’til Daddy Comes Home), head on over to those posts and leave a comment, too. (See the complete giveaway details here.)